A Coffee Date

If we were having coffee right now I would apologize profusely for being so late. It’s just that I’ve had so much to do. I feel awful for rescheduling so many times but I’m finally here ready to talk to you.

If we were having coffee right now I would say “It’s lovely to finally meet you face to face!” Or I would say “It’s been so long.”

I would ask you what you’ve been up to, how’s the family and etc.

You would answer my questions and I’d smile and laugh when you’d say a joke or something.

Then the conversation would turn to me and I would tell you about having to move back to Oxford this Sunday.

You would be able to tell that this development leaves me with mixed emotions. “Aren’t you excited?” You’d ask confused.

“I am. I’m happy that I’ll be seeing my friends again and it’s the final year! I want to do as much as I can to cherish it, really.”

“But?” You would probe.

“I’m scared.” I’d be honest. I’m scared out of my mind. Oxford is the proverbial bubble. You’re in your college, you spend time with your friends, and you only have to worry about the next essay you have to write. And maybe finals fast approaching.

It’s scary. Time has gone so quickly and I feel like university is been the shortest experience I went through in my life. It’s three years. But It seems like yesterday that I applied and got in and started.

I’m worried about disappointing people. I’m worried about disappointing my parents, my tutors and myself. I’m fucking worried. And I’m scared out of my mind. I feel like I’ve been training all my life for this moment. Since I started going to school as a child, I’ve been training myself for this marathon, this final event. And the goal is to get the piece of paper that says: World, Asta Diabaté has a degree. She’s graduated from Oxford. And the world is her oyster now.

I’m worried about the future. But most of all I’m worried about the present. I’m worried about falling in the same pattern of last year, feeling constantly disappointed with myself, feeling like an imposter where I am, feeling like I don’t deserve to be where I am. What if my mood ruins it all again for me? After all second year was supposed to be a breeze, right? But it just felt awful. I felt like I had no way to turn, and I was spiraling…..

But I would tell you that I don’t want to burden you with my problems. And I would apologize for bringing this still up. I wanted this coffee meeting to be chilled, to be about us talking about light-hearted stuff, and potentially debating politics, if you happen to be a politics geek.

But thank you for listening.

“So what did you think about Pig-gate?” You would ask.

I would laugh.

You would squeeze my hand and that’s more than words could ever do to comfort me.

“I’m getting a new phone tomorrow. Super excited!” I would say.

If we were having coffee right now, what would you actually talk to me about?


8 thoughts on “A Coffee Date

  1. Oh that’s wonderful. I think of going to Oxford as the ultimate opportunity, yet forget the pressure and fears it must place on each student. I know I’m going to read this again and again because there is so much there. Thank you for opening your heart. It’s always beautiful to read something that comes from deep inside the soul.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Belinda. There is pressure. And most of the time it’s us students putting it on ourselves as opposed to the people around us. At least that’s been the case for me. It’s truly awful because it detracts from enjoying the uni experience, and for appreciating the amazing opportunity and privilege one has as a student there.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. If we were having coffee right now I would make you laugh until you forgot all the things that you worry about. I’d let you know that the anxiety is natural so don’t let it scare you. I would tell you that it’s going to be okay, you’ve come to far to allow being scared to slow you down. I’d tell you how I admire your honesty, and that I hope your phone is as smart as they claimed. 🙂
    By then you would probably notice that I have not touched my coffee, then I’d explain how I never drink coffee they just didn’t have the ginger tea I like. Then I’d let you know the bill’s on me and I hope we would meet again to talk about how the time flew by and it wasn’t so bad after all. 🙂
    Blessed Love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comment made me smile. And I loved how it felt like we were having a real conversation. So thank you for toe moment of kindness.
      Ginger tea? I love lemon and ginger tea! Yes. We have something else in common -aside from blogging.

      ….I would tell you that I agree. I would love to meet up again. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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